It’s Been a While…

It’s Been a While

It’s been a really long time since I last posted. Since B and K were diagnosed as being autistic, there’s been a lot of learning and many, many counseling, occupational therapy, and Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) appointments. So many appointments, in fact, it’s been difficult to keep up with even the most basic responsibilities at home. I’ve had a lot of work travel, which is a mixed blessing. I get to interact in person with people who are working on projects with me around the western U.S., but I have to be away from home to do that. It’s always hard.

Not Actually a Great Mom

Just as a heads-up, I’m not a great mom. A lot of people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it!” “You’re amazing!” “You’re so great!!” News flash: I’m NOT great. Not only am I not great, I’m kind of a sucky mom in a lot of ways.

Yeah, I love doing things with my kids, but I’m completely and totally NOT patient far too much of the time. But I’m willing to learn, I’m willing to work hard, and I’m so happy for the times when things go well and we actually have a fun time as a family without any major blow-ups or harm done to anyone.

Badass…Also NOT

I would never have thought that a child could be capable of putting me into fetal position. But then one did. He put me straight into fetal on the stairs. Just too much. I used to think of myself as a quasi-badass chick. After all, I’ve finished a loop at the Barkley Marathons. (Pause for appropriate gasp and applause…LOL. If you don’t know what it is, look it up. It’s kind of crazy and fabulous.)

I’ve climbed Mount Whitney via the Mountaineers Route. I’ve finished some really tough 100 mile trail races. Badass, right??! Alas, not so much. Having a little boy who gets SO out-of-control upset and freaked out over things like, for example, a piece of duct tape being crooked on a piece of cardboard, that he literally breaks furniture? (Big furniture. My dining room table.) Now THAT’s tough. That’s just one challenge.

Bites, Bruises, and Scratches, Oh MY!

Another challenge I went through with my little B: For a long time, when something went wrong and he got all melted down over it, his Plan A was to run to me and start beating me up. Literally. For months and months I was covered with bruises, bite marks, and scratches. I had to learn safety holds and also learned a suite of techniques for helping him to calm himself down when things sail out of control. But this year something kind of amazing has happened. We’ve learned how to help B stay out of meltdown mode more and more over time.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the angelic ABA therapists who’ve been helping him and the other two triplets learn how to behave better and how to communicate their needs through language rather than through acting out. The trips are often not kind to them. But without them, I’m not sure how we would have made it to today.

Real Emotions

We still have a long, long way to go. B still struggles with handling his emotions. A couple of weeks ago he got upset about something (I don’t recall exactly what the problem was), so he threw a heavy object at a framed piece of artwork in our front room. I was upstairs, and I don’t know for sure what the weapon of choice was.

I still haven’t cleaned up the broken glass that fell all over the floor below when it shattered. It’s just one increment too far away for me, given all of the responsibilities I have to keep up with every day. I’ll get to it soon, I think. The good news is that he targeted an inanimate object and not me. And not one of the other kids.

Better Every Day

But more and more often, B is getting through his disappointments without coming completely unglued. He’s cheerful more of the time. So am I. I’m not a happy mom, and a lot of the time I end up yelling at my kids. It’s kind of bad. Okay, it’s TOTALLY bad.

I’m overwhelmed by the stress of our lives and the responsibility for raising three special needs kids while keeping up with my career, being a wife, momming my three older kids as best I can figure out how (it’s not easy to “parent” adult children…they are, after all, adults).

There’s almost no time for me to take care of myself the way I used to. My running has been close to nonexistent. That’s changing. I haven’t been cooking the way I love; that’s changing too. I’m doing better at managing household demands. It’s getting better every day. Then worse again (shrug emoji). It just is what it is.

We’re muddling through.

That Time When a Critter in the Canal Tried to Eat Me

When I was little, my family spent a lot of time with my parents’ friends the Bennions. My first memory of visiting the Bennions was when they lived somewhere in the Salt Lake Valley, in Murray, maybe? In my memory, their house had a gradual ramp of some sort inside, and I rode down it on a tiny little riding toy. I might have been two or three years old. I remember the ramp as being huge and really steep. It was probably almost perfectly level in real life.

New Place

When I was four, we moved from Boise, Idaho, to Price, Utah. Sometime later that year, we visited the Bennions at their new place outside of Vernal, Utah. They had bought a small farm, and while we were there I learned how to ride a bike on the concrete basketball court behind their house. I remember the weather being dreary, and there were thin layers of water and ice on the surface of the basketball court. My mom was not pleased that I now knew how to ride a bike. With me, that could only mean trouble.

For four years we lived in Price, a few hours’ drive away from Vernal where the Bennions lived. Then we moved to Vernal ourselves, where we lived for a year. During those five years, we regularly spent holidays at the Bennions’ farm. Thanksgiving, summer visits, sleepovers, and more. Sometimes my mom would drop one or more of us off at the Bennions’ for a play day with their kids.

The Canal

There was a slow-flowing irrigation canal across the road from the Bennions’ house. It was an old canal. During the summer it was the de-facto swimming pool for kids in the community. The canal had huge cottonwood trees growing on its sloped banks, hanging over the water and providing nice shade during summer months. The banks were low and in most places they were easy to climb up and down. We loved hanging out there, swimming, wading, having water fights, and watching the other kids and even adults who came there to escape from the summer heat.

Playing in the canal (courtesy of Beckie Bennion)

On one of our visits to the Bennions’ we went swimming at the canal early in the day. It was hot, and there were a lot of kids there. While I was swimming, I felt a sudden, stabbing pain on one of my outer thighs. I mean REALLY bad pain! I quickly jumped up and waded out of the water, looking down to see what was hurting me.

Freak Out

What I saw completely FREAKED ME OUT!!! Some kind of bizarre insect had me in the grip of multiple pincer legs, sharp ends buried in my skin. But worse, IT WAS TRYING TO EAT ME!!!! I am not kidding. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!! It was quickly and steadily using a beak-like appendage to eat a hole in the side of my leg!! Its legs were latched onto me and its head was buried in my thigh.

I’m pretty sure my words could not possibly convey the horror I felt at what was happening to me. As I clamored up the bank of the canal, I pulled at the thing, trying to get it to let go and to stop eating me. I did manage to get it off of me and flung it away. I walked across the road to the Bennions’ house (I’m certain I was freaked-out sobbing, maybe even screaming at that point in time, but I don’t remember that). As I walked, I realized that my leg wasn’t working right. In fact, it was quickly becoming paralyzed!!!

Damage

I’m not sure who contacted my mom or how long it took for her to come to get me. But by the time we got home, I couldn’t walk at all. My leg was completely paralyzed. Sometime after I got home (it might have been later that day, or maybe it was the day after) I developed the unmistakable signs of blood poisoning. A red ring appeared around the wound, and a red streak extended from it.

Mom took me to see a doctor, and I suspect that the MD put me on antibiotics, although I don’t remember. The paralysis slowly wore off, I regained my ability to walk normally, and eventually I had a full physical recovery.

Trauma

Unfortunately, my mental state did not bounce back quite as fast. I had already been a die-hard bugophobe (hashtag FYI the right kinds of bees CAN sting you more than once!). The canal attack put me over the edge. I’m pretty sure my parents got really tired of listening to me shriek any time some crawling or flying bug-like creature got near me. There’s a high probability that I was suffering from some sort of PTSD after the attack of the canal critter.

An odd thing happened in the years after the canal incident. From time to time I would tell someone the story, and they wouldn’t believe me! I had a clear picture in my head of what I had pulled off of my leg, but I didn’t come across anything in any of my school classes, reading, or TV viewing that matched what I remembered.

The Critter

That was, at least, until I was a teenager. One night my family was sitting together watching a nature show on PBS when lo and behold, here came a segment on giant water bugs. They showed how water bugs and their nymphs attach small fish and pollywogs, grab on, inject paralyzing poison, and suck the insides out of their helpless victims!!! I WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!

Giant water beetle eating lunch

I jumped up in my seat and yelled, “That’s the thing that bit me in Vernal!!!”

Yuck!

Here’s what happens in a water bug or nymph attack: “If prey is successfully grasped it is quickly dispatched with a pierce from the bug’s needle-like rostrum (fused mouth parts) and an injection of toxic enzymes. These enzymes poison the prey and begin to digest it at the same time. Once the enzymes have completed their job the bug again uses its rostrum, but this time sucks out the pre-digested soup that was its prey, leaving a limp bag of skin.” (source: NatureNorth) THAT WAS ME!!!!!

Ew!

It was a huge relief to finally know what had attacked me. It was great to know the source of my personal horror story. I’ve never met anyone else who has had a giant water bug or nymph try to eat them. I’m sure they’re out there, maybe one of you is a fellow victim! Their nickname is “toe biters” for a reason. For me, the moral of the story is this: when a little kid tells you that something in the water tried to eat them, BELIEVE THEM!!! Hahahaha!!!!

Learn More

To learn more, click on this link to a an article in Scientific American. Another great source of information is NatureNorth.

A plug for NatureNorth: You can help NatureNorth produce more great articles with a secure donation through PayPal. I have no connection to them but was happy to find their page on giant water beetles. To learn more follow this link: Support NatureNorth.

Spring Canyon and the Wedding Dress Story

Wedding Dress Number Two

In Capitol Reef National Park in Utah, there’s a deep rock canyon that runs for miles in the backcountry, winding through soaring walls of sedimentary geologic formations in a roughly east-west direction,somewhat parallel to Utah Highway 24. Capitol Reef is just east of Torrey, a small town that toggles between agriculture and tourism. In Fall, at the end of tourist season, restaurants close, motels and other dial back their operations, and things quiet down in town. In Spring, the process reverses. In a previous job, I had the opportunity on several occasions to work in Torrey for a week in June, co-teaching a workshop course for new employees just prior to the ramp up for the summer tourism season. Another of the instructors, Tony, was also a runner, and one evening after teaching he and I decided to go for an adventure run in Spring Canyon.

We did some map scouting and found the spot where the downstream mouth of the canyon opens up into the main canyon that passes through the national park.The lower entrance into the canyon is hidden. It’s screened off by trees, brush, rock, and layers of sediment, deposited over millennia and then sliced through by the Fremont River, invisible to passers-by on the highway through the park. If I hadn’t seen it on a map, I wouldn’t have had any idea it existed. Armed with directions to the location, we drove to a small pull-out on the side of the highway,parked, walked back up the road a bit, and then waded across a shallow, wide place in Fremont River to where we scrambled up a steep mud bank, maybe six or so feet high, to reach the level of the main Spring Canyon floor. We bushwacked through something like a quarter mile of thick brush, pushing through sharp vegetation and thorns,low-hanging tree branches and leaves, and piles of woody debris on the ground.

Great Map of Spring Canyon

But then something magical happened: The underbrush and trees ended, and the narrow canyon suddenly opened up in front of us, a cool, shaded, quiet sanctuary with a sandy bottom that was perfect for running. I wouldn’t call it a crack canyon, but it is fairly narrow in places.We ran for a few miles up-stream in the canyon, dodging around occasional puddles and muddy sections on the canyon floor. Mixed into the sandy surface, there were small- to medium-sized rocks made from materials that definitely didn’t belong in the canyon. Black pebbles that were clearly from a volcanic source were spread around, I assume having been washed down into the canyon from the mountains above to the west. There were also metamorphic stones; smooth, hard rocks in an array of colors, both muted and bright, none of which belonged in a sedimentary environment. The whole thing was stunningly beautiful.

At one point along the way, we noticed high on one of the rock walls a formation that looked something like a wave or the side profile of a partially-unrolled jelly roll, cut through to show the inward spiral of cake and filling. It was mind-boggling. How in the world did multicolored layers of rock end up in that inward-curling pattern,embedded in sand that later became solid rock? Trying to imagine what possible events or processes could have left that formation there was one of the highlights of the run.

Beautiful Spring Canyon

Tony and I ran upstream until we knew we absolutely HAD to turn back to avoid running out of light before we reached the car again. We didn’t have any headlamps or flashlights with us, so we were kind of stuck with a hard time limit. We reluctantly turned around and retraced our steps, ending with another slog across the cold river and a short walk to the car from the south-western river bank. It had been one of the best runs of my life.

I’ve been back to that part of Spring Canyon a few times since my first time. I took my oldest three kids there one October when we went to Torrey for a quickie vacation during fall break at school. They complained about the river crossing and the bushwhacking, but when the canyon opened up, it was as magical for them as it had been for Tony and me. We ran and ran and ran. My boys did some “high-pointing,” running in arcs on the lower sloping sides of the rock walls and then back down onto the sandy canyon floor. It was like a giant playground for us. Beyond cool. On another, later visit, I took my now-husband Ryan there. Our relationship was new, and I wasn’t sure whether he would be as “into” the canyon as I was. I needn’t have worried; he was. It was one more amazing run in what had become one of my favorite places on Earth.

Workshop Outing

On another visit during yet another edition of the same workshop, I ran with some co-instructors and students into the middle part of the canyon,accessed from the Chimney Rock trail not far into the park on the Torrey side. While the run was fun and the scenery gorgeous, it wasn’t quite the same as the lower section I had come to love.

Wedding Dress Number One

Several years after Ryan and I had our first Spring Canyon run together, I was back in Torrey to co-instruct at another session of the new employees workshop. This time, I didn’t have anyone to take with me to Spring Canyon. I also didn’t have time for running. I was on a mission during my off hours: I was sewing my wedding dress. My mom and I sewed both of my wedding dresses. The first, for a February wedding, was a slipper satin, long-sleeved classic design. The second, for my upcoming second wedding, was still an unknown with less than two weeks until my wedding day. Yikes!

When I packed my car for that June workshop week, I loaded a large folding table, piles of fabric, bridal magazines, sewing patterns, two sewing machines, assorted sewing supplies and accessories, and my dress mannequin. On my first night in my two-room motel suite, I paged through the magazines, cutting out pictures and making notes until I had settled on a design for my dress. My wedding was in just a little over a week, and I had no time to waste. I set up my sewing room and got to work on creating the dress.

But there was one problem. I realized soon after I started cutting out fabric for the skirt that I needed another layer of fabric for an underskirt. Because I hadn’t decided on a design before leaving home, I hadn’t realized I would need that. Hmmmm. I was in a very small town in are mote part of Utah. The closest fabric store (or store of any kind that sold fabric) was hours away, and I didn’t have time for that kind of driving. I needed to be sewing!

I paced around the room, trying to come up with options. I needed quite a few yards of sturdy white fabric. And then, in a “Sound-of-Music-Maria-play-clothes-esque” moment, it occurred to me that the fabric that the king-sized sheets on my motel bed were made of would be perfect! I went to the motel’s front desk and asked whether I could buy two of their king-sized flat sheets from them. I told them my story and explained my predicament. To my surprise and relief, they refused to sell the sheets to me but gave them to me as a gift instead. What a kind gesture! I was really taken aback and grateful.

The Dress with the Sheet in It

Over the next few days, I cut out and sewed my dress. It wasn’t quite all the way done when I packed again to leave Torrey at the end of the week, but it was close enough that I knew my mom and I would be able to finish it in the week that would be left after I was back home in northern Utah. I wish I could say that following week was perfect, but it wasn’t. My drive home and the week that followed, leading up to Ryan’s and my wedding, were overshadowed by the tragic, unnecessary death of my three-year-old grandniece. But that’s a sad story for another time.

So Torrey and Capitol Reef hold a special place in my memories and in my heart. They’re connected with some of my favorite as well as saddest times with my friends, my children, my husband, and my inner life, and I was married with a bit of Torrey sewn into my wedding dress. Two years after the sheets episode, I returned to the little motel in Torrey, new triplet babies, nanny, and piles of baby supplies in tow. It was sweet staying with my new babies in the same place again where I had sewed my dress. I can’t wait until those triplets are old and big enough to take them to Capitol Reef to wade the Fremont River so I can show them the beauty of lower Spring Canyon. It’s pure magic!

Why “Renaissance” Runner?

For my central blog, I wanted to find a name that would convey something about who I am and what my life is about. Running has been one of the core threads that has been consistent through most of my life. My primary e-mail address has the word “runner” in it. My vehicle is a 4Runner. (I promise—the connection didn’t even occur to me until YEARS after I bought my rig. I am not making this up!) And for many years, I have planned parts of my life around running, whether it has been training, adventure runs, or racing events.

But maybe more important to me than running, or at least parallel to it, has been the pursuit of all sorts of interests. Some are related to academic and intellectual pursuits, some connected with spirituality, many are arts-oriented, and many are focused on fitness, health, and happy living.

Here is a rundown of some of my interests, in no particular order:

Running in general

Trail running in particular

Ultrarunning

Economics

Organizational behavior and management

Politics

Dogs (I like cats too, but I’m not a cat person. I apologize for that.)

Natural resources and environmental issues

Family relationships and parenting

Decision theory

Hiking

Orienteering

Sailing

Cycling

Skiing

Sustainable living

Sustainable food production

Permaculture

Agriculture

Plant-based living

Net-zero housing

Solar energy

Passive solar home design

Energy in general

Art in general

Dance

Backpacking

Christianity and Buddhism

Psychology and neuroscience

Math

Music (I play the cello)

Foreign languages

Camping

Travel

Cooking

Weight training

Geology

Geography

Cartography

Astronomy

Physics

Aeronautics

Fashion design and sewing

Architecture

Interior design

Gardening

Landscape architecture

(Ironically) Simple living

Tiny homes (also ironic)

And more…

The term that seemed to me to best capture this somewhat chaotic, eclectic, global set of things I love is Renaissance; people used to tell me that I needed to give up interests and focus in. I choose, instead, to live a Renaissance life; one in which I embrace all of my interests (not necessarily all at the same time) and open up to new things, new experiences, new knowledge, and new friends while, at the same time, appreciating all of the things that are already in my life. I love my life and the people in it, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share some of it with others. So, I consider myself to be a Renaissance Runner.